this life, Your canvas.  creation, Your art.  my soul and face, a detail perfectly placed.  not just a speck splashed into a sea, but a will and plan for insignificant me.  i’ve been standing still with my arms stretched out for miles, waiting to fly.  but the time has come where You open my eyes.  so knit my heart and thread my wings as You paint the beauty of things unseen. 

after lots of talks, quiet times, scribbled journal entries, moments on my knees, clarification, prayer, worship, and conversations, i’ve reached a point where i’m actually, totally surrendering myself and accepting whatever and wherever i’m being called to be. 

i don’t claim to have any answeres.. in fact, i’ll be the first to admit i still have no idea what is going on, or what went on for five months.  but i have layed it all down, and i know that my Best Friend and Creator is in complete control of my life.  i have so much to offer, and i can’t wait for the opportunities to pour it out. 

i’m going to anderson this coming weekend to decide if i’m going to be physically able to be at school this semester or not .  if you would be interested in lifting me up in heavy prayer every day this week, please let me know.  i can go into more detail.  but i have to make a decision this weekend, and i just need clarity on where i’m supposed to be.  i see exciting things in both places, but i just want to know His will.  whatever He wants is what i want. 

i’ve come through such a big journey.  i know this might sound weird to people, but for maybe the first time, i know that my faith, trust, and hope is finally authentic.  i’m ready to start life again.

“consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. …blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” james 1:2-6, 12 (niv)

the end.  man, i didn’t mean to make this so long.


“what is it in me, that hangs on for so long?
why do I fight the tears that come?
i work so hard to keep in control when
all that I want is to let go.

here i am, as gold to the fire
i will surrender to Your hand
to this place
Lord, i have come ready for Your touch.

I t ‘ s   a l l   f o r   Y o u .
I ‘ m   l e t t i n g   g o .

i’ll take this life and lay it down.
i’m letting go.
my hopes and dreams here at Your feet.
i’m letting go.
and I am ready for Your life,
and I’m ready for You now.”

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Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.
‘You of little faith,’ He said, ‘why did you doubt?'”

..just call me peter.

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You’re everything I could want, that I could need. i can just feel Your touch.  i can breathe.  look how You shine so the blind man see. and how you call out; You beckon me.  the deaf hear the voice of love.  you bid me come, and the crippled run.  you’re the one to raise me up from this grave.  touch my tongue, and then i’ll sing.  heal my limbs and joyfull i’ll run to You.  because You’re everything. and I’m alive and I’ll sing. and I’m alive and I’m free.

i’ve been struggling a lot with faith.  i think i’ve been running and convincing myself this wasn’t the case for a while now, but the past few days, it’s finally hit me.  for the past few months, God has been constantly showing me that i need faith.  it seems like something so simple, and something so easy that i’ve never really felt like i struggled with…until this happened.  how am i going to be recovered before the end of the summer?  am i maybe just not supposed to be going to anderson?  why am i not healed?  am i doing something wrong?  i constantly tell God that my full faith is in Him, i constantly surrender my entire body, mind, sould, and life before God, but i’m still left with this feeling of questioning in what is going on in my life. 

i’ve gone off on my own tangents of confusion with healing, and wondering what really is truth behind healing.  but it all just comes back to faith.  faith in knowing that God does not leave us dry. 

i don’t think i’m really capable of making sense with what i’ve been going through, but i’m learning a lot.  and i don’t know why i feel compelled to write about this in here instead of my prayer journal, but i do. 

maybe i’ll just put in the scriptures that have been yelling out at me, completely speaking to every confusing thought, question, wonder, and struggle i’ve been experiencing.  these are verses i’ve come across and written over the past few months in my journal that i’ve gone back to over and over again. 

“..though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  these have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

“Does God give you His spirit and work miracles among you because You observe the loaw, or because you believe what you heard?” Gal 3:9

“so those who have faith are blessed.” Gal 3:9

“the apostles said to the Lord, ‘increase our faith!’ He replied, “if you have the faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘be uprooted and planted in the sea, and it will obey you.'” -luke 17:5-6

“let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith.  Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” -hebrews 10:22-23

“never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.  be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” -romans 13:9-13

“so if we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.” 2 cor 4:18

“cast your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will enver let the righteous fall.” -psalm 55:22

“i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us…we know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies…But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  who hopes for what he already has? but if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.  in the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.” romans 8:18-27

“now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

“and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance.  perseverance, character, and character, hope.  and hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.” -romans 5:1-5

“so do not fear, for I am with you.  do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  i will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” isaiah 40

trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”  -proverbs 3:5-6

“then He said to him, ‘rise and go; your faith has made you well.'” -Luke 17:19

i feel very called to anderson, and that’s what i’m planning on doing.  i have to have faith that i will be physically ready if that’s where i’m being led. i have no idea what exactly is down the road, but this isn’t about me.  God is in control, and i have to believe that with my entire heart.  i am learning to completely surrender to whatever is ahead.  

i ask for encouragement.  and for prayer once again.. not only physically, but mentally and spiritually, too.  for those of you that have continuously lifted me up, you will probably never know how much of an impact it’s had.  encourage me, too. 

and if anyone is still reading, i think you should get a life.  (psyche.)