i serve a living God that is actively working wonders in my life every single day.  i see Him now more than ever.  i finally feel like my steps are close to His.  i have purpose.  i have faith.  it’s going to be a good year.

it’s so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word
just to rest upon His promise, just to know “thus said the Lord”
how i love to trust in Jesus, just to trust His cleansing blood
just in simple faith to plunge me beneath the healing, cleansing flood
yes, i’ve learned to trust in Jesus, and from sin and self to cease
now from Jesus simply taking life and rest and joy and peace
i’m so glad i learned to trust Him, precious Jesus, Savior, Friend
and i know that He is with me, He’ll be with me to the end

Jesus, Jesus, how i trust Him
how i’ve proved Him over and over
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus
oh, for grace to trust Him more

happy half birthday to me.  i’m almost twenty.  whattheheck.

_____

once upon a time, i went on a youth retreat in erie, pa with my youth group.  it was technically my first time as a “counselor,” and i experienced God in a much bigger way than any of the other six years i went. 

here is my picture book of memories.  orrrrrr something like that.


this is our group in front of the frozen waterfalls. notice my snowsuit (second from left).

zac was being seductive on the way there.  it looks like he’s in an airplane.


here is sam/andrea/aaron in the van.  i took this picture of aaron because we weren’t supposed to have headphones.  busssted. (psyche)


jexx gave one of the “daily challenges” at dinner.


we tied for first place in the snow sculpture contest for the second time.


our sculpture went with this year’s theme.  we made a foot.  the theme was “live the adventure, leave a legacy.”  that’s me writing “legacy” on the side of the foot.


ummm you can’t really see it.  but i promise it was awesome and great.


it didn’t stop snowing the entire weekend.  this sent people on violent rampages. (andrea/jason/carrie/sarah)


frozen waterfalls are really, really cool to look at..even though they kind of look like dirty dog teeth.  or maybe it’s just me.


we went on a hike in the woods and climbed up this huge mountain-ish hill, and then slid down the side of it.  that’s zac and jonathan at the beginning of it.


this is cathy coming down the first half of it.


i stopped halfway down and took a picture of the rest.


this is the view of the bottom half from across the river.


people called jason the gay lumberjack when we were outside.  but i guess it doesn’t make sense with this picture.  he had purple snowpants with red suspenders, moonboots, and that hat.


our beds looked like legos. (jason/bobby)


the services were SO good.  i didn’t take pictures because i would’ve distracted myself and other people.  but this is the very beginning of one of them.


every year on sunday morning, they pray for all the seniors.


i was attached to a chain of girls. (ashley/katie/savannah/carrie/jexx)


vannn.

[ t h e   e n d . ]

where would i start? 

thank You, dear Lord, for being faithful.  in every possible aspect.  i don’t think there’s any way to describe this weekend that would give it any ounce of justice.  how close i was able to feel, how alive You brought me, how joyful i am for what is happening in my life, and how much i learned about me, You, and what is happening in my walk with You.   

___

oh, how i love Him.  if you want to know more about what God is doing in my life, ask me.  pictures from this weekend will probably come soon.


ahhhhhhhhhhhhal;isdjafl;ksdjl;afksjdkl;fajsdklfj;slad
Jesus, Jesus, Jesussssss.


(thanks for the comments by the way..you were close enough to make me giggle with glee.  or maybe not.  but i was happy. )

i’m doing well.  my shirt even says so.

i expect at least thirty love letters left for me on this xanga when i come back on sunday.  okay? okay.

and remember to keep this retreat in your prayers this weekend.  pray for the kids of my youth group especially, and that their lives could be revived. 

_____

[LAST…]
Thing You’ve Eaten: wheat thins with cheese. mmm.
Person You’ve Called: jessica
Person That’s Called You: my mom
Person You’ve IM-ed: i was talking to jeremy/josh/zac/val at the same time, and then i left. 
Person You Thought About: jeremy/josh/zac/val
Movie You Saw In the Theater: oh man.. i don’t even remember.  i never go to the theater anymore.  i think it was raise your voice.  hahahaa
Movie You Rented: man on fire.  it disturbed me.
TV Show You’ve Watched: I love the 90’s: 1997
Thing You Did With Your Family: ate dinner
Thing You Did With Your Friends: i went bowling with some people last weekend.
Thing You’ve Bought: i had to pay ten bucks in my english class for materials. 
Time You Cried: tonight, i was sitting at cracker barrell and my eyes got really dry from the fireplace that was by our table and then tears started streaming out of my eyes.  it was weird.
Time You Showered: 10:00 this morning.
Song You’ve Listened: “tisbury lane” by mae
Song You’ve Downloaded: a song by showbread.
CD You’ve Wanted But Haven’t Bought: one of the united cds, the latest dead poetic cd, the latest tree 63 cd, the latest dennison mars cd, david crowder’s lime cd, and the list will go on and on and on.
Time You’ve Fought With Someone: i don’t even remember.
Person You’ve Hugged: i’m not sure.  probably my mom, she hugs me a lot.  yeah, i think it was.

[OPPOSITE SEX]
What Do You Notice First: actions, expressions, words, hair, clothes.
Turn Offs: smoking. cussing. being obnoxious. drinking. hanging out of your clothes.
Ideal Height: umm about my waist level. psyche.


[YOU…]
Want: to see my friends more often.
Wish: i could re-live the past seven months (not erasing what i went through, just being able to do it again).
Love: God, people, music, visual art.
Miss: nobody.  psyche. to the max.
Wonder: why i’m not in bed.

[RIGHT NOW…]
Wearing: my hershey’s shirt and gray pants.
Eating: nothing.
Drinking: water.
Thinking About: how soon i have to wake up.

that would be fun right now. ^

+ that was actually taken on the way to kaite’s house when val and i spotted a bus getting a police escort. we felt special and dreamt of what celebrities were hiding in the bus and secretly watching through the tinted windows.  maybe it was oprah.  or richard simmons.  or ricky martin.  or david hasselhoff.

+ i decided that people must be really sick of me telling them i miss them.  and even worse when i say i want to hang out and then nothing ends up happening.  i hate that.  

+ i want to have fun with people again.  where have you gone?  where have i gone?  where have all the cowboys gone………?  maybe it’s just me.

+ american idol is back and as good as ever.  you should watch.

+ we’re getting nine inches of snow in canton this weekend while i’m gone on a retreat in erie, pa, where they usually get at least twice as much snow as we get.  yyyyikes.

+ speaking of the retreat, i’m really excited for that.  it’s my sixth time, but it’s my first year to go not being a student.  we have a lot of junior high kids going, and i hope God will help me help them.  pray for the kids this weekend.  and for the leaders.  the ranch we’re going on is booked past its capacity, and really good, good things are planned for it.  snappp, it’s gonna be cool.

+ God and i have had good times this week.  it’s nicer than i can express in a stupid xanga.

+ there’s a new teen girl squad.

go.

watch.

now.

i’ve been having a really hard time with a lot lately, but i never understood quite why.  i was reading in the Message tonight and came across these verses :

“And Israel, who seemed so interested in reading and talking about what God was doing, missed it. How could they miss it? Because instead of trusting God, they took over. They were absorbed in what they themselves were doing. They were so absorbed in their ‘God projects’ that they didn’t notice God right in front of them, like a huge rock in the middle of the road. And so they stumbled into him and went sprawling.” -romans 9:31-32

so..slaps in the face are good.  i found one of my problems.

also, i’ve been trying to write this song for weeks, but i couldn’t break through whatever it was that wasn’t working with it.  finally, it flowed perfectly tonight.  i guess my heart wasn’t right before. so the song’s done now.  all for His glory. not mine.

i’m being shaken up big time.  this is good.

[here i stand
before You, searching for all that i can.
here i lay
my pride, for i cannot hide
from You another day.

all around
Your beauty shines and simply astounds.
Your love runs wide
and falls so deep
it’s broken through all i kept inside.

hear me sing hallelujah.
hallelujah,
for You alone can make me new.

take my fear and shake my doubt.
let Your spirit move me now.
be all my hopes. be all my dreams.
be all i am:
my everything.]

Kip Dynamite (Please rate my quiz)

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


ok so i definitely answered several questions that were for napoleon and deb.  but i guess kip was the winner.  i think i’m a mix.
</CENTER

bowling races. (kelley vs. me ^)
___

if you make it all the way through this, tell me.  i’ll think you’re awesome and great.


FIRSTS
First best friend: my friend justin when i was two.
First car: i haven’t owned a car yet.  i drive ones that my parents aren’t using.
First self purchased CD: no doubt – tragic kingdom, five iron frenzy – upbeats and beatdowns (1997)
First pets: a ton of fish and a cat named molly.
First piercing/tattoo: nonexistent.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: sharon, lois, and bram.
Last cigarette: cigarettes make me want to vomit.
Last good cry: i’m not sure..but probably at a point where God hit me big time.
Last movie seen on video/DVD: i watched riding in cars with boys tonight.  it was weird. 
Last beverage drank: orange juice.
Last food consumed: homemade cookies.
Last time showered: this morning.
Last shoes worn: my brown and white ones.
Last annoyance: don’t pretend you care. haha
Last shirt worn: a blue t-shirt that says “blue” on it.
Last website visited: photobucket.com.
Last word/s you said: “okay.”
What color socks are you wearing? gray.
What’s under your bed? posters, notebooks, artwork, and the likes.
What time did you wake up today? 7:20…and then accidentally fell back asleep until 8:10 and was late for practice.
Where do you want to go? anderson. or somewhere that will make me not feel like i’m stuck in life.
What is your career going to be? i haven’t found that out yet.  but something with music, art, and ministry.
Where are you going to live?  i donevenoh.
How many kids do you want? sixty-three.
What kind of car(s): a horse and buggy.

Current mood: frustrated but peaceful, stuck but satisfied, restless but understanding, curious but complacent. i guess i’m complicated.
Current music: something like silas – infinite.
Current hair: cuh-razy cool.  minus cool.
Current clothes: the “blue” shirt and pajama pants.
Current desktop picture: see two posts down.
Current hate: i’m not feeling hateful tonight.

Have You Ever…
kissed a member of the opposite sex? i’ve yet to have my first real kiss.  don’t pity me.  
kissed a member of the same sex? nooo.
crashed a friend’s car? no. dumb.
been to Japan? nope.
ridden in a taxi? nope.
been dumped? nope.
been fired or laid off? nope.
been in a fist fight? with my brother mannny times.. but not for years.
snuck out of your parent’s house? umm i think i did once to spite my mom when i was sent to my room and i just ran to the window to wave and laugh.
ever had a crush on someone of the same sex? no, sorry.
ever dated someone of the same sex?  nooo, these questions are gay.  HAha.
had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? sure.
been arrested? no.
made out with a stranger? no.
had a crush on a teacher? i kind of have the hots for my sixty-something professor that dances to nas in class.  psyche.
Been on a plane? nope, and i think i’ll be terrified when i do.
Met someone in person from the internet? a lot of people actually..haha weird.
gone to college? yep..and i’ll go to a new one next year.
love someone or miss someone right now? more than you might realize.

UNIQUE.
1. Nervous Habits? i’m not sure.  i guess i can’t sit still.
2. Are you double jointed? no..i hate when people try to show off how gross they can be with their double joints.  it makes me want to run away.
3. Can you roll your tongue? yep. 
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? only my left one.
5. Can you blow spit bubble? i don’t want to try.
6. Can you cross your eyes? yes.
7. Tattoos? NO AND NO.
8. Piercings and where: see #7.

CLOTHES.
10. Which shoe goes on first? the right.
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? probably.
12. On the average, how much money do you carry in your walllet?:twenty-ish.
13. What jewelry do you wear? zero.
14. Favorite piece of clothing? jeans.

FOOD.
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? cutttt.
16. Have you ever eaten Spam? i’m afraid.
17. Favorite ice cream flavor? i don’t like ice cream much.  but peanut butter.
18. How many cereals in your cabinet? three or four.
19. What’s your favorite beverage? kool aid.
20. What’s your favorite restaurant? applebees, chick fil-a, el campesino, pizza king (indiana), cracker barrell.
21. Do you cook? hardly.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE:
27. Animal? dogs take the cake.
28. Food?  pizza has become the best again.
29. Month? december.
30. Day? saturday.
31. Favorite Cartoon Character? the ugly one. (teen girl squad).
32. Shoe Brand? it depends.
33. Subject in school? this year, my Bible and ministry classes.
34. Color? today it was blue.
35. Sport? sledding. i know.
36. TV show? full house and american idol.  and…lots of others.

IN AND AROUND.
41. In the CD player? something like silas, mute math, and mae.
42. Person you talk most on the phone with? dustin, even though it’s been pretty rare lately.   
43. Ever taken a cab? this was already asked.  ahhh.
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? yep, and then i take some lj shots.  haahah you all still need to watch the video i posted a while ago.
45. What color is your bedroom? the walls are white.  they used to be turquoise when i was younger.  i want to paint again, but i know i never will.
46. Do you use an alarm clock? yep.
47. Window seat or aisle? window.
48. What’s your sleeping position? i haven’t claimed one. 

but i might try to now.  goodnight.

i miss my real journal.  no more neglecting it.

it’s cool how something you wrote five months ago can speak to you in a whole different way than it did then, but still help in the exact same way. 

it feels like there are a bunch of doors cracked open all around me.  some are closing, some are opening.  but it’s like they’re all stuck.  which makes me feel stuck.  and i’m learning, slowly but surely, that i’m definitely not stuck.  seasons are meant to come and go.  seasons through different aspects of life.  seasons that sometime overlap and come and go at different times.  the reason i’m anticipating such a new, important year is because my seasons all seem to be shifting.  i find it ironic that the weather and my place in life have so much in common.  (or maybe not. that was dumb.)

but here i stand, holding my breath. 
i want to see what happens with those doors.

so i’ll trust You when i cannot see.
so i’ll trust You when the shadows hover over me.
and i’ll love You when the distance leaves me cold.
so i’ll love You.
i’ll still believe that You are sovereign Lord.

Your promises are true, Your mercies always new.
Your love for us is far beyond the infinite, O Lord.

though i fear i walk alone,
You reach into my soul.
Your love for me is far beyond the infinite.
i’m learning to trust.
i’m learning to feel.
i’m learning to love You always.

-something like silas

is it spring time now or something?  i’m confused.

today i went to school for an hour and then saw kelley and stephanie at the mall.  i bought some pants.  then i used my gift card at best buy and got the something like silas and the mae b-sides album.  then i went to the village and confirmed that the village is just disappointing to me now. 

i strongly advise you all to go buy the destination: b-sides album by mae.  oh my gooooooooooodness.  it’s so good.   SO good.  (they have it at best buy.)

best bye.  i mean buy.  i mean bye.